Is social media causing our loneliness epidemic?

The paradox of loneliness in a connected world

In the U.S., the amount of time people spend with friends in person has plummeted, dropping from 30 hours a month in 2003 to just 10 hours in 2020. For those aged 15-24, this decline is even starker: a 70% decrease in just two decades.

Young adults are now twice as likely to be lonely than seniors.

In 1990, only about 3% of Americans reported having no close friends at all. Today, that number has quadrupled to 12%. It may seem like a small number, but that is millions of millions of people.

This is the loneliness epidemic — a phrase you've likely heard before. Whether or not you feel it affects you personally, it surrounds us all. 

And I want to talk about what I believe is one of the key culprits behind this epidemic: the internet, social media, tech use—whatever you want to call it.

I don’t think you can say it’s all the internet’s fault. Economic stress, growing individualism, fewer community spaces — there’s a bigger picture at play.

But here’s what makes tech stand out: it promised to bring us closer, didn’t it? Instead, despite our hyperconnectivity, despite being more "connected" than ever, we’re actually lonelier than ever. 

Is digital life causing our loneliness?

There are studies which have found more social media use to be associated with higher levels of loneliness. In one experiment, students who limited their social media use to just 10 minutes a day over three weeks reported significant drops in depression and loneliness compared to those who used it without restriction.

That being said, there isn’t a consensus among researchers. There’s also the chicken-or-egg question of whether social media causes loneliness or if lonely people simply turn to their screens more.

But let's put the debate aside for a moment. Whether digital life is causing loneliness or not, what's clear and hard to dispute is how it’s changing our social habits — and not for the better.

How screen-time is changing our social time.

Substitution. Also known as the ‘displacement hypothesis,’ is the idea that we are substituting real life social interactions with online ones. As our time on screens goes up, in-person connections go down. We’re social beings—we crave connection. If we’re given an easier, instant way to get it online, we take it. But in doing so, we neglect the deeper, more fulfilling relationships that only come from in-person interactions.

The "druggified" interaction. Dr. Anna Lembke, head of Stanford’s Addiction Medicine Clinic, uses this metaphor. She argues that social media apps have turned our basic need for human connection into a drug. They’ve taken something we already crave, and made it addictive. Not to mention there’s an unlimited supply and always there when we need it — just enough to keep us from seeking out the real thing.

Less social risks. Digital connection feels a lot less risky. Online, we control everything — no awkward silences, no rejection, and you can close out of a conversation anytime you want. In real life? It’s messier. There’s judgment, fear, inconvenience. So, we take the path of least resistance.

The reference trap. Then there’s social comparison. We scroll through carefully curated moments of other people’s happiness and end up feeling isolated. Our lives don’t look like that filtered highlight reel, and it eats away at our self-worth.

Losing the skill of connection. Here’s the big question: when our social habits form mostly online, what happens to our real-world interactions? 

Social media has taught us to expect control and instant gratification, and that mindset spills over into our real-life relationships. Hanging out for the sake of hanging out feels like a thing of the past. People want a date, a plan, a destination. And nowadays there are more expectations attached. We’re losing spontaneity, empathy, and patience — skills that are crucial for deep, meaningful connections.

Physical tech as a social barrier. It’s not just the apps themselves. It's physical tech, too. Our phones and headphones often act as shields, like a big "do not disturb" signal to the world.

While I was researching this topic, I started noticing one habit everywhere I went. Any time people entered into a public space together, someone would whip out their phone. Whether intentional or reflexive, the effect is the same: it says, “Don’t talk to me.”

If it’s intentional, I get it—you don’t want to talk to strangers. But what if it's become a reflex? As if the discomfort of a real social interaction compels us to return to our cheap online version of it.

So where’s that leave us? 

The digital age has made us more connected than ever. I can reconnect with my university professor or FaceTime my best friend on another continent. Yes, it enables all that.

But we’re also lonelier than ever. We’ve been given an easy, less-risky, addictive version of connection — one that sets unrealistic standards and quietly erodes the skills we need for real, meaningful relationships.

Digital connection isn’t a replacement for the real thing. It’s a quick fix, a stopgap. And the more we rely on it, the more we risk losing touch with what genuine connection feels like.

The pendulum has swung too far in one direction. Instead of replacing in-person time with screen-time, maybe we need to do the opposite.

TIPS & TRICKS

What if a stranger offers moonshine?

This week, we’re keeping it simple with just one tip — one that honestly blew my mind when I tried it.

Remember how I mentioned noticing a pattern everywhere I went — the moment people got close to each other in public spaces, they’d pull out their phones. Like an automatic “don’t talk to me” signal.

Honestly I’ve been seeing this habit everywhere. People walking past each other on the street, pulling out their phones the second they got close. At the coffee shop, someone would be standing there waiting for their order, not on their phone. But as soon as another person joined the line, out came the phone.

It hit me: if pulling out your phone is the universal "leave me alone" signal, then putting your phone away might be the strongest "I’m open to conversation" cue you can give.

So, I decided to test it out… And lo and behold, so many of the times I do this, strangers will start a conversation with me. There’s one funny one I want to share:

I was in an elevator, scrolling through my phone, when a man stepped in. I put my phone away. Next thing I know, we’re chatting. He told me all about his 4 am flight, a recent trip to a place called Moonshine where they actually sell — you guessed it — moonshine. He even offered me some! (It was 10 am so I declined, but hey, you never know where a conversation might lead.)

RESOURCE & RECOMMENDATIONS

• We all know loneliness sucks, but it comes with some extreme health risks as well. According to the U.S. surgeon general it could be as bad for your body as smoking this many cigarettes a day. [Global News]

• Ever wonder which countries feel the loneliest? The polling mentioned at the top of this newsletter comes with an interactive map. Find out where your country stands. [Gallup]

• Off the apps but use social media on your browser? This extension hides the addictive elements, helping you stay connected without the endless scroll.

• Can we still just... hang out? This podcast episode takes a deep dive into what we’ve lost in our social lives thanks to tech. A quiet catastrophe that’s underway.

• I’ve been tough on social media, but here’s a side you might not have seen: real stories of people who found solace online. [Social Care Talk]

COMMUNITY CORNER

Weekly challenge: Keep your phone away from your bed

That’s a wrap on our first weekly challenge! We started off easy: keeping your phone away from your bed. And the results are in:

60% of you who tried it noticed a difference, while 40% said it didn’t make much impact. Not bad for a small step, right?

Next week, we’ll be trying out a new challenge! Have an idea for one you'd like to try or see how others handle? Share your suggestion! Or maybe you’ve got a tip or hack that helps you reduce screen time? Send it our way!

FROM THE ARCHIVE

Why you should ditch your phone and embrace boredom to be more creative at work

There’s a period of work in a day that’s hard to define. Some call it being in “groove”, “locked in” or “focused.” It’s that period where creativity is highest, helping you work through challenges, and think differently about a problem. Regardless, you know when you have it, and when you don’t.

My co-founder Kian broke down in a recent edition how breaks are critical to building momentum to help you stay productive and focused. What he didn’t mention, and I would argue is equally as important for being productive, is bringing a creative focus to problem solving.

That level of creativity is one of the most critical part of any person’s job. One study said 70% of companies are most interested in employees who can think creatively, and will be the most in-demand skill in the coming years.